Time to figure this out for real

Alright.  I'm back

I had to take some time away from blogging so BF and I could work out some kinks in private.  I was really struggling...I didn't want this to be a fun game we were playing.  It needs to be real.

Even though I wasn't writing, I was reading...alot.


I found some things around here that were really helpful in getting BF and I on track and helping us to figure out how to make this work for us.

The first post I found that was really helpful was over at Finding Sara.   Who knew that a simple change of wording would work so well for me?

Another post that helped was one of Mick's at Husbandly Touch.  BF agreed that we also needed to deal with our 'slippages'.

Something else that I found was a PDF file on Scribd.  It's called 'A Beginner's Guide to Leadership and Submission'.  The user there who uploaded it also has a number of other articles on TTWD and here's a link to that directory if you're interested.

We've decided to implement the 21 day 'bootcamp'...modified for our own relationship of course.  We started this yesterday and so far it seems to be working well for us.  I'll keep you posted!

Love,

Struggling

Dear Diary,

Well, last night was our first scheduled maintenance spanking.

It hurt!  I mean, it's supposed to hurt; I think that's the point. But it really hurt!

The warm-up part was again delicious and part of me wishes it could have stopped there.  I do realize that if it had, it wouldn't have even had a chance of serving the intended purpose.

I think that the intended purpose of a maintenance spanking for us is...well...I think there are more than one...

One of them is that TTWD is real and not just a bedroom game...I am learning THAT when the spanking moves from warm-up phase to the 'What was I thinking? Please stop now' phase.

Another is that BF is our HoH and as such, I am learning to submit to him as he is learning how to help me submit.  I want to submit to him.  I thought it would be easy.  Well, it's not.  It's not easy at all. It's challenging and difficult for me.

I want to make changes in my life and my wonderful BF has agreed to help me make those changes.  I'm grateful that he agreed.  He knows me well, and he knows that deep down there is a part of me that wants his help and will easily submit to his loving correction.  Problem is…I can't find that part of me right now.  The part of me that I can find jumps off his lap in the middle of a spanking and causes BF distress, forgets to do my exercises in the morning, and still wants everything to be my way.  So...I guess that is another purpose...to help me find that part of me.

And another purpose is that we're still so new at this...and scheduled spankings give us both a chance to learn more about each other, our respective limits, and what is working and what is not.  Each time BF spanks me, he's getting more comfortable with taking control, and I'm supposed to be getting more comfortable with submitting to that control.

After the spanking last night, BF said he would reduce the number of swats for maintenance spankings since I jumped so much, he said he doesn't want to have to restrain me during them.  At the time, with my bottom warm and his arms around me, I tearfully agreed with him.
 
And now, this morning I'm confused.  The part of me that is deep down wanting to submit to him is struggling...on one hand, it's his decision to make...the time, the day, the intensity, and the length.  On the other hand, I worry that if he reduces the length of the spanking, I won’t be learning what I'm supposed to learn.  I'm worried that I'll be able to control the intensity and length of future spankings by jumping off his lap.  I'm also worried that by sharing this, I'm somehow telling him that his decision was wrong.  It isn't - his decision last night was perfect.  This is MY struggle.


Love,

Control Journal

Dear Diary,

Last night after our trainer left, we worked for a bit on our Control Journal.

(every time I write or say 'control journal', I giggle)

As I mentioned in an earlier entry, part of the reason for TTWD is to create a more organized, peaceful home for BF (and me!).  We found a couple of sites that we're enjoying, one of them is The Fly Lady...and that is where the Control Journal comes from.  You can see that here if you're curious:

The Control Journal 

Baby Steps

These are the baby steps that we're starting with...I like baby steps...I get overwhelmed with big steps.  BF likes baby steps for me, because he wants to see me succeed in this.

On a completely different note, we keep an online calendar to keep track of our childrens' activities, appointments, date nights, etc.  I note that BF has added an entry for maintenance spankings as a recurring appointment on Wednesday and Friday evenings.  How's that for taking control?  I love this man.

Tonight is my first scheduled maintenance spanking.  I hope I can get through the day without being too distracted.

Love,

more...

Dear Diary,

Yesterday BF and I read this article and although we didn't agree with everything in it, it was a most excellent starting point for a conversation.

We talked about how regular maintenance spankings could be a benefit to our relationship as we are learning together about TTWD.  He informed me after our conversation that I would be receiving a maintenance spanking twice a week, on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Except for this week, of course...since I received a very sound spanking last night.  It was longer and more intense than any spanking I've received so far.  It was also the first time that it felt 'complete'.  I cried...and I got the release I'd been hoping for.

We cuddled after the spanking, and even though BF knew I was looking for those tears, I think he was still concerned.

We talked again later, and when I asked him if he was ok with everything, he told me that spanking also gives him a release, that seeing me cry was 'ok', and only because he knew I wanted to, and that he also really enjoyed the cuddling after.

BF also teased me that any discipline spankings I receive from now on will need to be 'more'.

I suspect that working my feelings out here is helping with our communication around TTWD.  I've never been very good at sharing my feelings face to face and since BF reads this blog,  he is able to hear my feelings without me having to vocalize them (and I get the opportunity to really 'think' about what I say).  I love that he does read this, and I love that he is working so hard to do this for us.

Love,

Long weekend ramblings...

Dear Diary,

There's something really awesome about a holiday Monday...an extra day tacked on to the end of the weekend...brilliant!

I usually wake up first on the weekends, and I really enjoy spending that time alone, goofing off and relaxing.  After I had my fill this morning, I went down to our bedroom to wake BF in my favourite way.  This morning he was sound asleep when I slipped the covers off and took him in my mouth, but it didn't take him long to wake up and take over.  Yum.

Apparently it's also his favourite way to wake up!

I received my first discipline spanking last night.  I hadn't done my exercises this weekend.  I learned that a) discipline spankings are not as fun as maintenance spankings and b) I should do my exercises on the weekends from now on. 

I probably should have done them, but I suspect a part of me was testing him to see if he would follow through.  He did.

Today is Thanksgiving, and I am thankful for my family, hot showers, chocolate, and definitely my BF who  knows so many ways to show me he loves me.

Love,

Pass/Fail

Dear Diary,

The doodle bugs have gone for the week to their respective other parents which means BF and I had an evening (and the house) to ourselves.  This weekend is Thanksgiving weekend so we've got obligations to spend time with other people for much of the rest of the weekend.

I'd been looking forward to last night, I always look forward to having alone time with BF.  I spent most of my day at the office alternating between working hard on a project with a tight deadline and being utterly distracted by thoughts of all of the fun we'd have once we were 'finally alone'.

I came home to find BF and an open bottle of wine which was, in my opinion a fantastic start to my long weekend!   We shared some wine and talked a bit and BF informed me that I would be receiving a maintenance spanking.   We laughed, because neither of us really knows exactly what that is yet.

We had purchased two new implements...this:

and this:

(I know what you're thinking...my photography skills are genius.  I took those with my phone so I could show BF what I'd chosen.  I didn't intend to purchase the red one, but gosh, it felt so, um, sensual that I splurged.)

I was looking forward to testing them both out.  After some more conversation about whether this would be a 'maintenance' or a 'stress relief' spanking, (as I said, we're both still unsure of the differences) he let me know that it was time.

I was looking forward to this, I had been looking forward to this all week.  I was looking forward to a good cry, and I was looking forward to some awesome aftercare in the form of great sex!

BF started by warming me up with the leather strap...ah...now I know what a warm up feels like, and I must say, I'm very impressed with his skills in that area.  After a while he used more force and although at first I was able to lay still, that didn't last long.  Have I mentioned that I was looking forward to a good cry?  I really was, and BF know that I was and that man tried his hardest to give me what I was looking for...but no tears from me.  Lots of my hands getting in the way, and lots of me moving and wiggling, but no tears.  Finally, he decided that I'd had enough and I agreed.

BF also tried the furry flogger thing in between the strap and his hand, and although even with all of his strength behind it there was no sting/thud/pain...it DID feel pretty awesome and it certainly gets high marks from me when he used it on my girly bits :)  I can see where it is sensual, but used for a spanking...well, all it did was give us both a good case of the giggles.

Have I mentioned how much I was looking forward to the spanking and to the hot sex that would follow?

Sigh...I've been so exhausted all week, that I promptly fell asleep after the spanking.

BF: high marks for execution and determination...PASS

DP: did not cry, did not partake in great sex...FAIL

I wonder if he'll give me another chance tonight?

Love,

Why I love him

Dear Diary,

Every weekday morning, I send BF an email to tell him one of the reasons that I love him. I do this not only to let him know, but to remind myself. Reflecting on all of the reasons I have and then choosing one starts my day off 'right'. Sending these emails also helps me to focus on the positive things in our relationship.

I was in the middle of compiling some of the reasons I have sent over the years when I read this post on Babyman's blog. I enjoy reading that blog, it's one of my favorites and I really enjoyed the synchronicity...

Anyway, here's a sampling:

There's this look you have, where your eyes widen...just slightly...and your smile slowly builds over your entire face.  I love that look.

I love how it takes my breathe away when you kiss me...

...waking up beside you is wonderful.  Spending that time in the quiet morning with you, cuddling and talking is a most excellent way to start my day.   I know I told you this already, but I want to tell you again.  I like the person I am when I am with you.

...because you believe in angels.

...I find it very easy to get along with you - our time together is uncomplicated and simple and peaceful.

...with you, it feels like the best is still to come.   What a lovely feeling.

I love the way I felt when you held me for the first time.  I felt like I was finally home.

I love the sound of your voice.

I spend so much of my day…my life…being one of the guys, taking care of business and other people…and with you…I get to just surrender into your (hot and sexy) masculine energy and be a woman.

I love gazing into your eyes and seeing love reflected back.

I appreciate the way you talk with me.  You make it easy for me to feel safe to express how I feel.

I love that the sound of your voice can be soothing to me in one moment and drive me wild in the next.

I love how you laugh at me when I'm being grumpy.

Sometimes when you hug me, you kiss my forehead…and that makes me feel…well, special.

I love that no matter what is going on outside of us, you seem so sure that we’ll make us work.

I love the sound of your laughter.  I love the feel of your hand holding mine.  I love the the sight of your beautiful, expressive eyes...

I love that I can tease you...and that you tease me.

I love you.  I am now convinced that falling asleep in your arms is, in fact, the cure for anything.

I love the way you look at me when you wake up in the morning.

I love your ability to look deeply into my eyes and connect with my heart...

I love that you're affectionate...and not only that, but you inspire me to be that as well...

I love that when you smile, it lights up your whole being - and - mine too.

I love how we fit together when you hold me...

I love making love with you...when we do, I feel alive, open,  loved, and connected to you in a way I've never felt connected to anyone before.

I love that you know how to be a kid and a grown-up at the same time.

I love that you're funny, you have a cool sense of humour, and you use it...often

I love how sensual you are...I love watching you shop...the way you touch and feel things...and the way you touch me is pretty awesome too!

I love that sometimes after we make love, you giggle...and that is one of the sexiest and cutest things ever...

I love that loving you is effortless.  With you I feel like I can be who I really am, that I don't have to hide any parts of me.

I love the way you wrap your arms around me and hold me really tight...

I love that you are quiet, and funny, and warm...and real....

I love how you treat my friends.

I love watching you sleep in the morning.  Running my hands down your sexy back...and then when I kiss you, you smile before you open your eyes.  When you do open your eyes, your smile grows...and I feel so loved.

I love it when you say 'mine' after you kiss me.

I love you.  It's the little things...having breakfast with you, being wrapped around you in the mornings, the way you look at me, how content I feel sitting beside you doing nothing...and the big things...like how it feels like my happiness is important to you, and how important yours is to me.  I'm so very happy that you are in my life.  And I've been more happy than I've ever been since the moment I met you.

I love how patient and calm you are.  You ground me.

I love that you allow me the space to be scared...in that space I can be with those fears in a way that I am able to work through them easily and come out the other side with clearer thoughts...

I love you because I feel like I can tell you anything, and you won't be shocked. Well, maybe you do get shocked, but you accept it anyway.

I so enjoy dreaming about spending the rest of my life with you by my side.  And maybe, some of these dreams could be considered “silly”...like the one where we’re sitting on our rooftop patio, drinking wine, and staring at the same star…the boys are all grown up, and we’ve just put our grand-daughter to bed (because we love it when she sleeps over!)…and then you kiss me, and your kisses STILL take my breath away…silly or not, they’re mine and I love them (and you).

Usually, when I'm composing these e-mails, I get lost in thoughts of you...and your gorgeous eyes...and your kisses...and I find myself aroused...like right now.

I love how you touch me when we're in public. I've never been comfortable with that before you. I think maybe one of the reasons is that it feels like you are taking possession of me (and you have no idea how hot that is).

I love the way we laugh together.

I love the way you play with children.

I love the way your voice sounds when you whisper in my ear while we are making love...

I love the way your body moves when we kiss…

I love that I feel safe with you driving. That probably seems like a little thing, but its a pretty big thing to me...

I love that you think 'so much of what we have is, well, pretty beautiful'.

I love the way you hold my face in your hands...

I love that you support me in things that are important to me.

I love that you are open to adventure!

When we're sitting together, or out somewhere...you treat me so gently.  When we're in bed (or I'm bent over the washing machine)...you take me, fuck me...and that's so very hot. Those two sides of you...

You are an awesome and loving dad...

I love your ability to get your point across without destroying mine.

I love that I can be vulnerable with you.

I love how insightful you are...

You look for the good in people.  I love that...

I love the way you play with my hair when you hold me.

I love that you say "I have your back" and even better, when you say it...I believe you.

I love how you are aware of the world around you...

I love how intimate our relationship is.  It's not about the crazy hot sex we have (although I love that too!) It's how we touch...how you look at me...how we talk to each other.  I really love that about us.

I love that you're my best friend.

I love how you are always concerned about me and my well-being.

I'm having a hard time choosing just one thing that I love about you this morning...you're an awesome best friend, a great dad, you're calming and give the world's best hugs...in addition to those things, you're sexy and fun to be around...hmmmm...I still can't choose...and I guess the fact that I have so many reasons to love you is in itself a danged good reason!

You like to read...I know, that  probably sounds lame...but it's important to me.

I love the way you parent.

I love that I can trust you.

I love that you make up words.

I love that you hear me when I talk to you.

I love our family, and how much fun we have together...

I love that When it counts, you're there...and you don't hesitate.

I love that you're fun to party with...and you make a mean bbq!

I love that when I snuggle in with you at the end of the day, everything in my world seems right.

I love that you're better than coffee...I know...hard to believe, but true...

I love the way you say my name.

You take what I say at face value instead of trying to figure out what "I'm really trying to say"...I love that about you.

I love that you put so much effort into our relationship and our family...

I love the way your face lights up when I walk in to meet you somewhere...

I love how the things that drive me crazy about you are the very same things that I love about you...

I love how my body reacts to your body...mmmmm

I love how much I enjoy just being with you, doing nothing in particular...

I love how much time we spend laughing...

You're very good to me.  You're also very good for me.  I love you.

I love that you're awfully fun to wrestle with...even if you are a big cheater!

I love how easy it is to be with you, and how loving we are with each other.

I love 'the look' - I'm not sure how it works, but it makes me feel pretty (even on days I can barely look in the mirror).

I love that you take good care of all of us.

I love that you take care of my passport when we travel.

Because you didn't just send 'positive thoughts' to Haiti...you sent real help.  I love you.

I love that you give me massages...

I love how much effort you put into understanding me...

I love that you push me during our work-outs

I love that your body is my playground.

I love that you hold me when I'm feeling not very strong...

I love that you're willing to try something different to make sure we succeed...

I love the way it feels when I lay in bed, almost asleep, with your arms around me...

I love that you allow me a safe place to show you my desires...

I love that you help me put things in perspective.

I love that your kisses STILL take my breath away.

Getting 'Taken Care Of'

Dear Diary,

We have a personal trainer come to our home twice a week to work out with us – our kid schedule doesn’t really allow us to go out to the gym or take fitness classes on a weekly basis, so this works well for us.  He’s personable and we both get a great work-out twice a week.  I enjoy our time with him and I’m feeling stronger and in better shape, so it’s all worth it.

Last week when he was over, I was grumpy and maybe a little more whiney than usual.  I was also a few minutes late (traffic).  He commented to BF that he should ‘take care of me’ after the workout and he made a spanking gesture.  I hope I kept my composure, but I did later ask BF what the heck they were talking about before I got there!  He laughed, because of course we don’t talk about this with anyone.

Last night, I was less grumpy and whiney so he made a comment to BF that he must have done a good job of ‘taking care’ of me last week.  We just laughed and played along.

Truthfully, BF did lay down the law about me being ready on time and taking our work-outs more seriously.

I love our children, but I’m looking forward to Friday night when we’ll have more privacy around the house and BF can ‘take care of me’.

Love,

Still more questions than answers...

Dear Diary,

I'm still doing well at completing the tasks BF and I have set out for me to do.  I'm glad he started with baby steps, otherwise I'd be overwhelmed by now.

I've been reading other blogs to try and find answers to my questions from yesterday's second entry, but I think I'm finally realizing that these questions are going to best be answered inside myself, and through just being in relationship with BF.

Talking with him helps, but I worry that I'm over talking it with him. BF just isn't  built the same way that I am...I like to talk, talk, talk...sometimes it sounds to him that we're having the same conversation but to me they are different, because my thoughts are evolving (and I'll admit that can be a very subtle difference if you aren't actually inside my head).

I also worry that he'll think I'm talking about it so much because I'm trying to hint to him that I want or need a spanking.  I don't.  Or maybe I am and I just don't realize it?  I don't know...

Love,

And the answers just lead to more questions...

Dear Diary,

I've been thinking alot today about what I wrote earlier...I'm trying to come up with answers for myself, but the thinking has been leading to more questions. Sigh.

If it's okay for me to ask for a spanking, why couldn't I also just answer yes if BF asks if I feel I need one?

What is a maintenance spanking? How is it different from a stress-relief spanking? And how is that different from an erotic spanking, or a discipline spanking?

I enjoy spanking, it arouses me...so why now am I doing my best to avoid one?

Why does completing my assigned tasks arouse me? I mean, really, what's up with that???

I guess that's the point of sharing here...maybe I'll be able to find the answers to those questions before I come up with too many more.

Love,

Questions without answers

Dear Diary,

Wow...the weekend flew by!  

12 birthday party guests on Saturday afternoon
6 children in the house on Saturday night
3 birthday paries
2 under the weather parents
1 set of keys locked in a vehicle
1 deer struck by our other vehicle

We got through it, but I didn't do the excercises I promised both BF and our trainer that I would do each morning, which may have contributed to my out of sorts feeling on Sunday (that and the headache that stayed with me all day).

Last night, BF asked me if I thought I needed a 'maintenance spanking'.  I immediately said I didn't.  

I told him I likely would never answer that question with an affirmative.  He told me that he's still new to this, and that if I feel like I need a spanking, I'm to tell him.  Fair enough, but I'm still never going to answer that question with an affirmative.

He was likely correct...he knows me well - he is my Best Friend after all...and if he had told me I needed one, I would have accepted that (as gracefully as I could).  And I imagine I would have agreed afterward that I did indeed need it and that it had helped.

I also imagine that if BF weren't fighting a chest cold last night, that would have been how it went.

Love,

I'm very trainable

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was relaxing and fun. The doodlebugs and I shopped for loot bags for the birthday party and then put them together.

The three of us then went to one of my girlfriends' home to celebrate her son's birthday. I haven't seen her in ages, but as with all good friendships, we can easily pick back up where we last left off.

I don't feel comfortable talking about TTWD with anyone, which is the main reason I've been sharing with you, Dear Diary. She of course asked all of the usual catching up questions, and generally I'm not shy about sharing with my friends my thoughts and feelings about my relationship with my BF. BUT, this is different, and although I'm not ashamed of it, It's just not something I feel comfortable sharing. That's a dilemma for me, normally I'm a big clear sheet of emotions that anyone who knows me can see right into.

I did share that I'd asked BF to be the boss in our relationship and to help me become more organized around the house by holding me accountable - luckily she never did ask how he would hold me accountable!

When I made the statement that I'm not a very good housekeeper, she literally spit out the wine she was drinking to keep herself from choking while she laughed.

Obviously my great housekeeping skills are not a secret from those who know and love me.

She said: "You're smart, you're capable, and you're very trainable." I love her, I really do.

Now, off to complete my morning tasks...

Love,

The doodle-bugs are coming!

Dear Diary,

BF and I are talking more now.  I love that.

Last night we talked about our new household schedule and we started creating it together.  BF knows I get overwhelmed when there's too much to do.  I think he used the term 'your eyes glaze over' to describe what it looks like to him.  It fits.

So, we started with baby steps...and I'm pleased to tell you that I've accomplished everything we agreed I would.  That feels wonderful, and surprisingly it's not only because I know BF will be proud of me...it's also because I feel a sense of accomplishment!

Today is my EDO (earned day off) from work, so I've been relaxing most of the morning since I have such a busy weekend ahead.  Our 'kid week' starts when I pick my doodle-bugs up from school today!

We've got a birthday party to go to tonight, and the littlest doodle-bug's birthday party is tomorrow...woohooo...12 boys playing laser tag and then getting sugared up on cake, I'm glad I get to send  the bulk of them home with their parents afterward.

Normally I'd be really stressed about how much we've got going on this weekend.  But today, I'm just feeling really at peace and centered.

Love,