Dear Diary,
Well, last night was our first scheduled maintenance spanking.
It hurt! I mean, it's supposed to hurt; I think that's the point. But it really hurt!
The warm-up part was again delicious and part of me wishes it could have stopped there. I do realize that if it had, it wouldn't have even had a chance of serving the intended purpose.
I think that the intended purpose of a maintenance spanking for us is...well...I think there are more than one...
One of them is that TTWD is real and not just a bedroom game...I am learning THAT when the spanking moves from warm-up phase to the 'What was I thinking? Please stop now' phase.
Another is that BF is our HoH and as such, I am learning to submit to him as he is learning how to help me submit. I want to submit to him. I thought it would be easy. Well, it's not. It's not easy at all. It's challenging and difficult for me.
I want to make changes in my life and my wonderful BF has agreed to help me make those changes. I'm grateful that he agreed. He knows me well, and he knows that deep down there is a part of me that wants his help and will easily submit to his loving correction. Problem is…I can't find that part of me right now. The part of me that I can find jumps off his lap in the middle of a spanking and causes BF distress, forgets to do my exercises in the morning, and still wants everything to be my way. So...I guess that is another purpose...to help me find that part of me.
And another purpose is that we're still so new at this...and scheduled spankings give us both a chance to learn more about each other, our respective limits, and what is working and what is not. Each time BF spanks me, he's getting more comfortable with taking control, and I'm supposed to be getting more comfortable with submitting to that control.
After the spanking last night, BF said he would reduce the number of swats for maintenance spankings since I jumped so much, he said he doesn't want to have to restrain me during them. At the time, with my bottom warm and his arms around me, I tearfully agreed with him.
And now, this morning I'm confused. The part of me that is deep down wanting to submit to him is struggling...on one hand, it's his decision to make...the time, the day, the intensity, and the length. On the other hand, I worry that if he reduces the length of the spanking, I won’t be learning what I'm supposed to learn. I'm worried that I'll be able to control the intensity and length of future spankings by jumping off his lap. I'm also worried that by sharing this, I'm somehow telling him that his decision was wrong. It isn't - his decision last night was perfect. This is MY struggle.
Love,
TTWD is difficult. Submission for me can be even more difficult! I have to remind myself that it is a gift! If you ever want to talk, e-mail me.
ReplyDeleteTammy
I have been struggling with this too, I have felt like it wasn't long enough or hard enough; but that just seems so weird to say. Please spank me harder *L* plus it is him that says how long, hard or how often.
ReplyDeleteThat's the paradox of ttwd. Sometime when you two are in a talking mood - not at spanking time - it's really okay to talk openly and honestly about these things and share your feelings. This helps us Tops "get a clue" about intensity and duration. I understand your concern about "topping from the bottom". It is good to be mindful of it. But also, communication is key with ttwd.
ReplyDeleteTammy: Thank you so much for the kind offer, I suspect you'll be hearing from me often...
ReplyDeleteJess: It's heartening to know I'm not the only one struggling with these things!
B'man: Thank you for the male point of view, your insight is always welcome!
PS. BF informed me that he did not like this post. When I asked him why, he told me that I don't have anything to worry about, that everything will be fine, that everything is fine, and we'll make this work because it's important for me and for us. (Yay!)
Good to hear your BF saying you are going to work it all out.
ReplyDeleteFD
Don't you love it when they say that you have nothing to worry about and everything will be fine? That's almost the sweetest words in the English language I think :)
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion is that when you discuss this topic with BF that you need to remind him that this is not supposed to be "torture" for you: Physical limits need to be discussed and your limits need to be established and respected. Otherwise, none of your needs will be met! There is more to this lifestyle than simply the acceptance of unacceptable pain by you!! Keep everything "positive."
ReplyDeleteFD: I agree...very good!
ReplyDeleteJess: Yes...almost :)
Anon: Thank you, and we've been doing alot of discussing in the last couple of weeks!